I grew up without a father. My mother brought me up, if you can call it upbringing. Most of all she was concerned with her own life. Men came to our house very often, then went, often mother did not come home until the next day.
She paid much less attention to me then she did to her men. I was often present in the room when they had sex, and I did not like it. All those sounds, puffing and fuss in the dark, or in the dim light of a night lamp... They behaved as if I did not exist there at all.
When I grew up it became worse. She treated me as a kind of a friend. She expected understanding on my behalf! When she needed to bring another man in, she would ask me to stay overnight at my friends' or elsewhere. She would give me a wink and say: 'well, you understand, don't you!' I did not want to understand, I felt embarrassed to ask my friends to let me stay overnight at their places. I had to explain something, lie, invent excuses (so that their parents understood correctly). That was all very depressing.
Once, I arranged to stay the night at a friend's place, but when I got there, there was nobody home. I decided to wait and set on the windowsill at the landing between floors in her apartment building. Time passed by, it was already dark, but they were not back yet. People passed by, looked at me, it was pretty embarrassing. But it was too late to change plans anyway, so I decided to wait as long as I had to (or spend the night there on the windowsill in the worst case).
A man with a dog passed by me, going downstairs, looked at me in surprise. When he returned he asked me what I was doing there at night. I told him I was waiting for Natashka. Then he said he saw her family earlier that day, they were leaving for dacha, so there was no point in waiting.
He suggested I went to his place with him, but I refused. He shrugged his shoulders and went with his dog. About 40 minutes passed. It was getting pretty cold and I became sorry I decided to stay overnight there. And here the door on the top floor opened again and the man got out. Again he asked me to come in and have some tea at least. I was cold, so I decided to come in.
He was alone in a flat with a dog. He led me to the kitchen, gave me something to eat and poured me a cup of tea. We started to talk, and it turned out I felt at ease with him, I did not feel I was talking to somebody who was much older. Tea drunk, I did not feel like leaving. I was waiting for him to ask me to stay, and was not mistaken. And I agreed to stay for the night at his place.
To be honest, I understood what staying overnight with a man might come. But after spending half a night on the windowsill, I felt really pissed off at the whole world and especially at my mother. I felt like doing something terrible in revenge. So that I could tell everybody: 'You did it to me? Now see what happened to me!' I realized that my virginity was at risk, but that did not scare me. And I made up my mind that if he began to make passes on me, I would not resist! Let happen what should!
But he behaved pretty normal. He let me into one of the room, and went himself to the other one. But men are always men! When I was almost asleep, I heard the door opening and he come in. My sleepiness disappeared in a jiffy, heart started beating fast.
He set on the edge of the bed and did not do anything for sometime. Then very slowly he stroked me with his hand from my breasts to toes over the blanket. I was lying with my eyes closed without a slightest movement. Then he repeated his caress and went on stroking me. Then his hand got under the blanket. When he continued caressing my naked body I felt an unusual acute feeling that frightened me. I quickly turned over to my belly, but did not say a word.
The man began stroking my back and below, then began sort of massaging me. His hands were warm and strong, he did not do anything bad, so my fear was gone. His touch was tender and felt good. I had not experienced much caress in my life, so I relaxed and made no resistance. I still felt dull pain in the lower belly left over from my fright, but it was rather pleasant pain.
He stroked me for long time, I grew soft and even did not noticed when he undid my bra. Then his fingers found their way lower, under my panties, began stroking my buttocks, then slipped further... I was lying like a rug doll, absolutely relaxed.
I did not feel like resisting at all and decided for myself: let him do whatever he wanted (besides it was becoming more and more pleasant)... I allowed him to take off my panties completely and did not struggle when he spread my legs slightly. He began caressing me with his finger slowly... The sweet pain became stronger and stronger, to the degree when I felt like suppressing it with another kind of pain.
I was aware of what was about to follow, and was waiting impatiently for it to happen. At last my man let go of me for a minute and I heard the rustle of the clothes being taken off. He settled down by my side, stroked me for a while again and then lay on top of me and spread my legs with his.
He was holding my breasts with on of his hands, firmly, but gently. I could not see what he was doing, but felt something hard and hot pressing from beneath, seeking its way inside me. In a second there was a short flash of pain that surprisingly pleasantly merged with that exhaustingly sweet pain I had been feeling in my lower belly.
I felt something entering me, expanding and filling me from inside... Then he started moving carefully inside me back and forth, his movements becoming faster and faster. Because he had massaged me before, I accepted what was happening to me as a continuation of massage. That massage was soothing the pain inside me in some magical way and replacing it with another sweet sensation, no less captivating...
The man turned me over to my side, caressed my breasts with one hand, my belly and down there with another, intensifying his rhythmical movements... That lasted long. I was melting... But suddenly he became breathing heavily, all of a sudden stopped and withdrew. For several seconds he pressed his body to mine in convulsions, then grew weak and let go of me...
We lay still for a while... Then he put the night light on. When he saw stains on the bed sheet, his reaction was not quite adequate at first. 'Why did not you tell me you had your periods?' - he asked. But then having looked at my face, he understood... But did not look happy. He was mostly preoccupied with the thought how to get rid of the blood stains not only from the bed sheet but from the mattress as well. Eventually the two of us coped with them. The night passed. We manage to sleep no more than two hours.
I came home a different person next morning. Probably he had not just made me a woman, he woke a woman in me as well. Honestly - I liked it. I even seek to meet him again, stopped by Natashka's house pretty often, even saw him, but he pretended he did not recognize me. I can understand why - as I found out from Natashka later, he had a wife and two children. They must have been at the dacha at that time too...
Then I began trying it with other guys... It turned out to be not so great as it was my first time. Usually it was just 'stick it in' quickly... But that took care of my need-a-place-to-stay-overnight problem))). It has never been a problem since. After 2 year of my nomadic life I came to study to a technical school in St. Petersburg (although I was doing very good at the high school) - just to get a place in a hostel and not to depend on my mother at all.
Why am I telling all this? Probably because it feels good to remind myself of my first experience...))) I think it had a strong and positive effect on my life. Now at least I know for sure what a real man should be like in bed, and I know I will find exactly what I am looking for sooner of later.
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