I wanted to strip him naked and take every part of him into every part of me, but I cared too much about him not to stop myself and let him know how messed up I can be. "Justin, I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone in my life, but I have to tell you this. I am totally fucked up in more ways than I can count and I've never loved another human being except my Mom in my whole life. Certainly not any of the men I've had sex with. I have no idea if I can give you what you want. What you deserve!"
He was breathing as hard as I was and I could feel his heart pounding against my palms as I held him away from me so I could try to think. His pupils were dilated and the veins in his neck were visibly throbbing. Our lower bodies were pressed together and even through our heavy jeans I could feel that my rock-hard cock was pressed against one that was equally aroused.
"Michael, maybe you are going to break my heart, but if I run from this I'll regret it forever. I want to make love to you. You can call what you do to me by any name you want to."
Suddenly it was very important to do this right. My lust was telling me to rip his clothes off right here and get at it, but I wanted it to mean more than that. "Let's go to the bedroom," I said and took his hand.
When we there I began to remove his clothes with shaky hands. He was wearing a white oxford shirt, open at the neck, and I undid the next button down and kissed his throat. He sucked in his breath. I was so hard that I was afraid the skin of my prick would burst open, but I kept on moving as slowly as I could. I opened the next button and swirled my tongue through the hair on his chest. I could feel how firm his muscles were beneath the skin. Symphony conductors get great upper body workouts and Justin also lifted weights for strength training.
I was wearing a polo shirt which I hadn't buttoned and Justin buried his face in the collar and kissed my chest. I'd never been particularly noisy when I had sex before, but I couldn't hold back the moans when his lips touched me. He lifted the shirt off over my head and looked at me. He'd seen me stripped to the waist many times when we ran along the riverfront path, but he was feasting his eyes on me as if he'd never seen me before. If all the blood in my body hadn't been in my cock, I'm sure I would have blushed under his scrutiny. When his eyes had had their fill, he pulled me against him and wrapped an arm around me. With his other hand he pulled my head to his mouth and plundered mine with his tongue.
I undid the rest of his buttons so fast I ripped a couple of them off and finally we were pressing our naked chests and stomachs together. The heat of his flesh over the steel of his muscles was intoxicating. A wild feeling welled up in me and I bit his shoulder. He growled low in his throat and began to tear open my jeans. I assaulted his waistband with equal fervor. Somehow our jeans came off and our shoes and socks. Then I pulled off his black briefs and his body was naked in my arms. My own briefs were torn off my legs and we fell onto the bed.
God, I just wanted to crawl inside his skin! I wanted to meld with him in some way I couldn't even explain. I needed to possess him and I needed him to possess me in a primitive, animal way. I had thought I could make this slow and romantic, but I had been so wrong. Never in my life had I been as out of control. I slid down Justin's body and I took every inch of his hard, thick cock in my mouth and I stimulated it with every skill I'd ever learned. I sucked and licked. I plunged and pulled back. I took his balls in my hand and I rubbed them as hard as I could without hurting him. I fucked his cock with my mouth to the back of my throat and slid it out again to it's beautifully cut tip. I knew he couldn't hold out against this assault for long. He was moaning my name over and over and I knew he was close so I sucked hard and dug my fingertips into his butt cheeks with just enough pressure to push him over the edge. His cum filled my throat and I felt a kind of satisfaction I'd never known before.
"Oh, God, Michael. I had no idea. I thought I'd had sex before, but I was wrong. THAT was beyond anything I've even dreamed of," he gasped.
I was so thrilled that I'd given him such pleasure. But as the joy of it filled me, I could feel the panic coming on. I didn't deserve this! I didn't deserve his love and I would lose it. I couldn't become dependant on it. My mind was trying to poison what was happening, but Justin took my prick into his mouth and my mind shut up. I let myself go into a world of only my senses and let the waves of pleasure wash over me. He wasn't as experienced as I was, but his lovemaking technique was as matched to my needs as his music was to mine. He made love to my cock. There is just no other word for it. His lips and tongue didn't fail to explore a millimeter of it. I couldn't have sorted out the pieces of what he was doing for anything. It was just all perfect and he drew an orgasm out of me that reached to the bottom of my soul.
Afterwards we wrapped our arms around each other and, for a while, I was the most content I had ever been in my life. I was so close to peace and joy I could taste it. That's when I had to fuck it up.
It was the panic, of course, and the negative thoughts. I was afraid of trusting in his love, afraid of needing it, terrified that I was unable to give back what he needed. When I should have looked him in his kind eyes and told him I loved him, instead I got up and said, "That was hot. Thanks." I put my clothes on and went home, without a backward glance. Justin never said a word.
By all rights he should have refused to ever look at me again, or maybe beat the shit out of me. I deserved it and I knew it. I've never been a drinker, because of my father, but I got plastered that night and I stayed plastered for three days. My mother had no clue what had happened, but she called the symphony and told them I was sick and then she told me, "I don't know what brought this about, but I didn't get us away from your father to have you end up in the gutter. Get yourself together, son. I won't cover for you again." Then she put her arms around me and asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Oh, Mom! I had real honest-to-God love in the palm of my hand and I pissed it away. I must be the biggest jerk in the world."
"Have you told him you regret whatever you did, son? Asked for forgiveness?"
It took a second for the pronoun to register. I just looked at her and said, "Him?"
"Michael, even if I hadn't figured out years ago that you're gay, seeing you and Justin on stage together would have made it obvious. The two of you are so aware of each other that I expected to see lightening arc between you. He seems like a really good man. Why don't you try apologizing? This hyper macho act you put on isn't working for you anymore. Let down your guard, dear."
I promised I'd think about what she said, but I felt so unworthy of being forgiven.
I continued to wallow in my agony, but I gave up the anesthetic of booze. Finally the fifth day of my self-made hell, I struggled out of bed, brushed my teeth, and took a shower. I was just finishing putting my clothes on when the doorbell rang. Mom was at work so I answered it. There was Justin on my doorstep, looking just about as ragged as I did.
My first impulse was to say something cold and stupid again, but I held it back. My second impulse was to throw myself in his arms and beg for forgiveness. A true coward, I held that back, too. I just stood there and stared at him and finally he pushed me aside and came into the house. I think I was preparing for a well-deserved punch in the nose, but what I got was a hot, angry kiss.
"This is too stupid for words, Michael. I'm not putting up with it another minute! What in the HELL is wrong with you? And don't even try to tell me what happened didn't shatter your world the way it did mine. I know it did. I could feel it."
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