It was dark here. Too dark, really. So, she clapped her hands and a rosy pink flashlight appeared in them. She flicked the switch and the light came on, showing the tiny dirt footpath she’d nearly missed in the dark.
This was why she hated coming to Hell. All those rumors about Hell being a mass of burning souls were bunk. At least in this area.
Satan was really doing a great job with this place, though. He had tempted sixty-eight angels into becoming demons. Judging by the postcards they sent her, they were having a blast.
She was the only female angel in all of Heaven and proud of it. She was created right before Adam and Eve to staunch the Almighty’s almighty lust. It had turned out He was more of a voyeur type and so she’d fucked scores of male angels in front of him.
Then He created Adam and Eve, so she’d had a respite until the First Ones had died (Eve unfortunately becoming the first soul in Hell), and then she’d been called upon to relieve Adam.
Then had come Mary, the first human to successfully bear God’s son. Mary was the woman God continued to screw in Heaven, so she was free of that duty. But now she was stuck with a new, worse job.
She had been appointed sixty-ninth messenger to Hell.
It was pretty boring, actually. She’d already made numerous un-tempted trips down here, not even meeting her prior 68.
On Earth, it was around 2010, and souls were entering Hell by the busload. Heaven had had the same continuous tickle since Jesus died. Kind of like Graceland.
She’d followed the path through the first seven rings, and was now on the protected thoroughfare to Satan’s palace. It was naturally lined with heads whining things like, “I didn’t mean it!” or “My psychic said it was okay!” or “But it was insured!” Good intentions. Yecch.
In no time at all, it seemed, she’d reached the Gates where Cerberus- the three-headed spaniel of the Underworld- growled menacingly, one of his tongues lolling out of one of his mouths. She tossed him a bit of honeyed bread, and sauntered through the Gates, unharmed.
The hand that connected with her Egyptian-cotton-clad bottom disintegrated just as she felt the pleasurable sting of it. She turned, expecting to find a red-skinned imp nursing a charred hand. Instead, she was looking up into the leering green eyes of Satan himself.
Lucifer had been a wan-looking timid fellow when he fell. Now, after millennia of toil, he was massive, tanned and altogether too forward.
He held up the stump that had been his hand and it regenerated instantly. He grinned, his pointed teeth glistening like pearls in his tanned face.
“Welcome back to Hell, Lilith,” he said, his silky voice cascading over her in waves. He flexed his fingers. “Your protection enchantment is much stronger than it was last time.”
“I’m creating resistance,” she said haughtily. “Only beings I allow to touch me can.”
Satan grinned maliciously. It had been three centuries since he’d tempted an angel, the Lord’s only female angel would make an excellent demoness; especially with her flame-red hair, black eyes, and infinite sexual experience. “What an interesting… challenge.”
Lilith tossed her long ponytail over her shoulder, handing Satan God’s missive. He tore it to shreds and let the pieces fall to the ground, where they promptly sent off rainbow sparks and disintegrated.
“You didn’t even read it, Lucifer,” Lilith pouted. This was just what she needed. The Almighty wouldn’t like this; he’d been planning that Barbecue ever since Guy Fawkes was burned. Satan smiled, the electricity between them sending off small bolts of lightning.
“I can’t attend. I’ll be… busy.” He looked her over, taking in the Egyptian cotton halter sheath dress that clung deliciously to every one of her delectable curves; his glance roamed from the golden halo floating innocently above her head to the flat, Roman-style sandals gracing her feet and stopping insultingly at the low V of her décolletage and the high slit that showed her legs were just as silky and toned as the rest of her. “You know, Lilith, I never got to fuck you when I was in Heaven. Michael told me all about it, though. That’s what really made me decide to leave Heaven. That He wouldn’t let me have you.”
“He was just protecting you, Lucifer. You were His favorite.”
“Favorite my ass!” Lucifer’s eyes glowed as he worked himself up. But then he remembered who was in front of him, and quieted down. He motioned for her to step inside his palace.
She’d never been past the entrance hall, which was quite impressive: black marble floors (warm to the touch), intricately frescoed walls (poor Michelangelo- some rough business with the Pope) depicting all sorts of horrid punishments of sinners (as if one couldn’t venture out into the Rings to see that) and sheer silk-like drapes- red, of course, and made of the heartstrings of loyal witches (to honor them).
As they entered, a scantily clad woman appeared out of thin air. She was short and somewhat rotund, but the black dress she wore showed it was a Boticcellian plump. She had skin the color of chocolate and a curly mass of hair held out of her face by a gold band. Her eyes, strangely, were so light a blue as to be almost colorless. What belied her human form were the massive, black, dragon-like wings sprouted from her back.
“Ah, Eve,” Satan said, nodding to his Honored One (she was, after all, the first soul in Hades). “Would you kindly fetch us some drinks?” Eve nodded, beckoning an imp to her with a curved red nail.
A cherry leather sofa materialized below the Devil as he sat. When Lilith sat on thin air as he motioned she should, a high-backed chair appeared and she sat, and then leapt up again, her flapping wings bearing her up a few feet.
Satan was laughing uproariously, tears of mirth brimming in his eyes. She glared at the chair, seeing the black dildo protruding from it.
She was forced to sit on the sofa with the Devil.
Eve reappeared, bearing a tray of red, viscous drinks. She handed them each one, then flipped up her skirt and sat on the dildo chair, sighing quietly.
“So,” Lilith interrupted Satan’s lusty gaze at Eve’s writhing hips, “What are these things?” Satan returned his attention to her, smiling.
“Hell’s version of a Bloody Mary. The best Russian Vodka, a splash of Evil Kinevil’s Die, Piggy, Die Die! Hot Sauce and virgin’s blood. They’re quite good. And quite potent.” He took a sip of his drink and immediately began smoking at the ears.
“I’ll pass,” she said quaintly, setting her glass in midair. She’d always loved those little tricks. “About the Barbecue…”
“You won’t convince me to go… Unless…”
“Unless what?” She leaned towards him, batting her long eyelashes. It was on the tip of her tongue to say she’d do anything.
“You’d agree to become a demoness. And chaperone me to the Big Barbecue in the Sky.” The glass of Bloody Mary she was suspending fell to the floor and shattered, the resulting flames burning a good-sized hole in her dress.
“God damn it!” she exclaimed. The force of her words hit her and she let out a giggle, which turned into a chuckle, which had her roaring with laughter until her halo went askew. She noticed this and immediately sobered.
Eve had raised, her silent presence unnerving for Lilith, who was used to very doting (and vocal) souls. Eve left the hall through a painting of punishments for gluttons, Lilith followed, understanding she was meant to so she could change her dress. She came up short, however. The wall was solid.
“Open it,” she said flatly, turning to Satan.
“What?” he said, his innocent look mocking her.
“The portal.”
“It is open.”
“No, it’s not- aah!” She’d leaned against the wall to demonstrate her point, and fallen right through.
Eve was waiting for her in a lushly appointed bathing room. The walls were a mosaic of jungle animals, many now extinct. The room was lit with imported sunlight- the ceiling even had mosaic clouds. A small waterfall brought fresh water from the Mortal world to form a large sunken pool, complete with coy, lilies and mossy stones. This was obviously Eve’s sanctuary where she had been rumored to bear several demonic children.
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